Imagine,
it is somewhat around midnight, you are walking alone down a dark deserted street and
then you hear steps right behind you. Or imagine you are a student, doing your
final exam; you turn over the paper and see the questions you have never seen
before. In both situations your heart will probably start beating faster, skin
will get gold and you will start breathing extensively. When you perceive
danger, a part of your brain sends a nerve impulse and hormones are released
into the bloodstream, causing these changes to hopefully sharpen your senses
and make you perform at the best of your abilities. This is so-called “fight or
flight” phenomenon.
Fight-or-flight response can be
defined as a “sequence of internal activities triggered when an organism is
faced with a threat; prepares the body for combat and struggle or for running
away to safety; recent evidence suggests that the response is characteristic
only of males”.
For
many years the idea that in the face of stress, the organism either fights or takes flight, was predominant and the only
truth in psychology. However this universal low of Western psychology was once
questioned by Shelly Tailor and her students (2000) at the University of
California. Interestingly, they found that the hundreds of studies of the fight
or flight response to stress were done on…males. Male albino rats, male
monkeys, male humans. The outcomes of those studies were that in the face of
stress we either fight (therefore are strong, “real men”) or we
fail…Furthermore, we respond alone, we are either “lonely heroes” or “lonely
wimps”.
When Taylor
and colleagues replicated these studies on females, a very different picture
emerged. Facing the stress, females tend to move towards others, they start
taking care of, move towards close proximity, groom and communicate. This
phenomenon was called “tend and befriend” response. It was suggested, that one part
of it can be determined biologically, that there is a release of oxytocin
(“bonding hormone”) for females when they are stressed or vulnerable. This
hormone is released in pre- and post-birth in mothers and in all women when
they during times of stress.
There
is no doubt that biology plays an important role in our behaviours, but one can
barely explain all the gender differences in that way. Doctor Judith Jordan (2010,
p.216) points out that “the
response to stress they found does not appear to be about just “getting
support” or “calling a friend to complain” (nothing wrong with either of
these), but there is a “befriend” piece. In our language, it is about something
mutual–reaching out to give, reaching out to receive. It is about building
connection, and to stretch it a bit, I think it is about the practice of
building courage in connection”.
Being together helps
us cope, helps us to feel that we are not alone, facing our vulnerabilities and
anxieties, helps us to feel that we are part of something larger than our own
particular fear. How many times have you heard as a compliment “you think like
a man”? We are grown up in an individualistic society, cultivating courage and
“being a man” is the highest exhortation in our culture, it carries a notion of
courage, strength and pride. “Be a man” – you hear it so often. Regardless of
who you actually are biologically and regardless of the mask you have chosen,
ask yourself time to time: “am I a “real man” and do I really allow myself not
to be one? Do I allow myself to be vulnerable and seek help?”.
Men and women…we are
different, indeed, and perhaps different for a reason…
Taylor, S. E.,
Cousino Klein, L., Gruenewald, T. L., Guring, R. A. R., Lewis, B. P., &
Upgdegraff, J. A. (2000). Behavioral responses to stress in females:
Tend-andbefriend, not fight-or-flight. Psychological Review, 107(3), 411-429.
Jordan
J.V. (2008) Valuing Vulnerability: New Definitions of Courage, Women & Therapy,
31 (2-4), 209-233, DOI: 10.1080/02703140802146399
By Anastasia Burelomov
Counseling Psychologist
